i’m over fighting

i’m done getting hurt, trying to explain myself, and having sean get pissed off at me even more. this relationship is so frustrating because we are making it this way. 

i feel like i’m always doing something wrong. i’m never good enough. i don’t toast his bagels perfectly, i don’t initiate sex with him enough, i can’t even find a good band-aid.

everything i do is fucked up in his eyes. why do i even try?

i’m over feeling invalidated by someone. he gets upset that i say hurtful things when i’m angry. well imagine how it feels to have someone say hurtful things ALL OF THE TIME, not just when they’re upset, but in every day life situations.

i can’t argue anymore. but i don’t want to completely give up and always be the one to apologize.

i’ve decided to give myself a year… i’ve decided to ride this lease out with him (unless it becomes absolutely intolerable) and then make the decision if i want to stay with him or not. 

we got in a fight this morning because he tried to get sexy with me in the 15 minutes we had before he had to leave for work. my chest is hurting (due to an accidental injury he caused) so that limits my positions a lot. sean, being the typical man, only wants to look at my ass when we fuck. i hadn’t pooped this morning so that created more pain in an area further south than my chest. his solution every time i said that it hurt was to stop completely–NOT to try to figure out another position with me. finally i take a break from the pain to use the restroom in hopes to relieve myself and he tells me that he no longer has time to have sex.

anger ensues.

its situations like this that make me feel like he doesn’t care about me as a person.

i woke up in someone else’s life

this is not my beautiful house. this is not my beautiful life…

 

i find myself confused. i feel like i’m going through the motions, without even taking a second to think about all of these changes are making me feel. finally my emotions bubble up and it comes out that the only emotion I feel is resentment.

resentment towards myself for counting financially on a man, for not having a great job, for not having a social life, for not trusting a man who claims to love me.

i have resentment towards this man because i don’t think he understands me. i have resentment towards him because i’m not his first love. 

i know it’s messed up–i’ve loved before. but when i look back, how could that have been love?

how can this be love? 

we are what we repeatedly do.

i repeatedly dive into the past, collect ammunition, and vindicate myself through anger.

i’m not sure how i feel anymore. the last few days have been a complete blur.

i can see my dreams but i feel like they’re slowly slipping away from me. 

i need to refocus.

i need a good work out. i need something that’s mine.

today

im struggling with a lot.

i can’t get my mind off of sean and his choices that he’s made that have upset me… simone, flirting with those chapstick girls at the bar while i was there, wanting to go on a party bus without me, texting emily, and all of this dumb felicia insecurity that i have. there’s just so many things that hurt me. i’m not sure if i can let them go and just move forward with him. there are a lot of things that bother me and right now its really hard for me to just let go. he claims to have kept it real with simone, he claims that he was being a dumb drunk with those chapstick girls, he claims the party bus was just for his friends and he wanted me to go but i got off of work too late, he claims he had no intentions with emily. and that he’s never had any bad intentions with felicia either.

looking back on it all like this is really over whelming, and its making me start to realize that i either need to let all of this stuff go and move forward. or let sean go and move on with out him.

what have i done? just texted adam about sex. that’s pretty much it. maybe i lied to sean about how i knew someone i went to a concert with but i didn’t hook up with him. he’s really done a lot of things that hurt me and i just feel like crying.

i know i’m not a psycho girlfriend but i do acknowledge that some times i can be extremely insecure. i’m feeling very insecure right now and it shows. ive lost weight.. and i’m not complaining but its because of the stress that i eat less. 

i just feel hallow right now. what if sean is doing everything to fuck me over? what if he’s just using me? what if i’m just a place holder for someone else that he just hasn’t found yet?

i dont feel good enough for him and i know that i am. that’s whats frustrating. and he claims to spend money and time on me and no one else. yeah that’s true but how do you treat other women? how fast will take you to leave me for someone else?

wow. technology these days… i’m in bed, in a la-z boy of down pillows, on my ipad, typing this with a blue tooth keyboard.

why am i in bed? its 11:30 am on such a striking day! the sun is out and the windy is strong and sweet. wishing i could just hop out of bed and go for a run. but i obtained some pretty gnarly injury that’s keeping me out of commission for a while. at least until friday, when i go back for x-rays, and the doctor for sure can tell me that i dont have an fractures on my skin, that i only injured my flesh and that it’s healing up nicely with no infection.

i can tell you exactly why i jumped off those rocks into the water below. i was scared but i wanted to go for something i had never done before. literally, a jim morrison quote hit me like a bag full of clarity and i just went for it. didnt end up the way i had envisioned but it turned out the way it had to be.

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not sure why this particular quote stood out to me out of all of the quotes i read, but it did and i went for it.

lately sean and I have not been having the easiest time. ive recently found out some more stuff about the girl he was only “hooking up” in the months before and a couple weeks up until him and i started dating. this is the same girl that would come around him at his favorite local bar.

to me, the information i learned (which was from sean… he always answers my questions honestly. sometimes a bit too honestly…) makes it seem like they werent just hooking up. and yet sean still claims that he was using her because she bought him stuff and fucked him whenever he wanted. they went on a vacation together, she met his dad, and yet he still claims that he was just using her. and that she knew that the entire time.

it doesn’t all add up to me–why would someone go through that much trouble just to use someone? if she truly annoyed him, why didn’t he just be like ‘okay fuck off i can find someone else’.

but thats what he claims it was so i just have to trust him on that.

it breaks my heart to know that he treated another human being like that. the worst ive ever done was get josh to give me $500 for an abortion that i never had to have. but i never kept using josh. i never have kept using someone for that long and for such selfish needs. it makes me second guess who is he. i could never fathom this.

but you know what? we all do things other people wont always understand. some times we dont even understand why we do things because we’re in such dark places. i think thats what hurts me the most, what kind of place must sean have been to do those things. he told me he was so glad to have met me, that i’m a different type of woman because he doesn’t feel like he has to “put up” with me.

i truly think that i’m helping him to be a better person. i think my soul has so much good intention that it’s almost blinding.

kyle told me the same thing. he used to tell me i was precious because i saved him from such a bad place in his life.

im proud to say that i have that power within me–to be so strong to love and believe. lately ive been questioning my faith but i think this injury opened my eyes. my dad told me that it must be lola looking out for me. and i believe that it’s true. my lola was the nicest person ever and she never got mad. i’m going to try to channel her the next time i’m upset.

god, how i wish i could have met her. if i had gone when i had the opportunity, i honestly think i would have taken it for granted. i didn’t meet her for a reason and the reason is so when i was mature enough to realize how much i missed out on, i would make sure that i dont take what i currently have for granted.

i have a great family. regardless of distance, their love is so strong for me. i’m never alone. and no one will ever give up on me.

i have a beautiful body and soul. i am healthy (for the most part) and i am capable of love, adventure, and strength.

i have a job.

i am living in a new place! i love sacramento :)

i have an amazing man in my life. he cares for me, gives me guidance (sometimes a little too much, but thats the mckee hard headedness in me), and he is never afraid to ask what he wants from me. he believes in me and encourages me to do better for myself.

i’m writing this to say good bye

they say that you can’t begin a new chapter of your life if you keep rereading the last one. so let me take some time to acknowledge my past and peacefully let it go…

to all of the boys i’ve let into my life, only a few come to mind when i think about who was worth the tears, the emotions, and the sacrifices i’ve made. all of the boys have taught me something new about myself and have also given me opportunities to grow.

it’s hard for me to move forward with sean right now because i keep thinking about my ex boyfriend, which i then project onto sean– “he must be thinking about his ex” which is really not the case at all. they seemed to have ended on bad terms which is completely unlike how kyle and i ended–as torn apart lovers.

it’s time for me to acknowledge that neither of us harbor any bad feelings towards the other. i think that this makes it that much harder for me to let go. our break up was not because we didn’t love each other, it happened because we both chose to take our lives in different directions after trying to keep it together for so long.

i had lived the second half of our relationship in guilt, and even though he was man enough to accept me with my faults, i could not shake the fact that i chose to be with him because i felt bad. that’s not the only reason, for the record, that i stayed. he was (and probably still is) a great guy–loving, sweet, funny, and caring. not to mention tall and handsome lol.

we took a break after i found out that i had been developing feelings for another person. it was hard to come home to a man after being out all day crushing on someone else. i talked to him and said i needed space. he agreed.

i remember seeing him a week or so after we had decided to take a break. we were sitting in his car, talking. and i started crying and questioning how it came to this–how you could love someone so much, and then just realize that it’s the person you love that’s make you stay, not the fact that you’re IN love with them. i will never forget what he said to me through my tears of frustration and confusion– “we chose this.”

those words still stick to me–we both chose to get space, we both chose to try to explore out of the realm of comfort we had so sloppily built with each other. i remind myself of this every time i start to wonder what happened.

i had already started dating someone new–sleeping with a new man. coincidentally, not the same guy i had started to develop feelings for while still being with kyle, but his room mate. lol

the actual break up came in spring when one of my friends had told me that they had seen kyle out on a date with another woman. he kissed her. which is not as bad as what i had been doing but i am the queen of double standards (working on that btw). i called him up, packed all of his shit, drove to his place to drop it off and pick up my stuff and that was it. we kind of cut off all contact from each other for a while. it was easy for me to move on–i had a new boy toy and a new circle of friends to distract me.

later that summer, i texted him to come over. we hooked up and right away i knew it was a mistake. our sex was textbook–like it had grown to be over the years–and the emotions weren’t there. i remember i started to cry to like a baby afterward, and he held me, butt naked, and comforted me. once i pulled myself together I suggested that he leave. and he did.

many months later I ran into him at a party. i remember getting in his car to go smoke or pick up weed or something (not sure–i was drunk). we didn’t do anything except talk for a little bit. we came back to the party and  that was the last time that i saw him.

that must have happened a year and a half ago or so,  maybe more, and it makes me happy that  we don’t have any bad feelings towards each other. he has had a slew of girlfriends since me but i think he’s trying to find a placeholder for me. i know that i was someone really special to him and it makes me sad that instead of trying to find a new person to fall in love with, he’s finding my qualities that he loved in other people.

as for him, i’m completely over kyle. i just want my baby pictures back. it gives me comfort that we have no bad feelings towards each other. he’s a great guy and i hope he finds happiness one day. i feel bad for all of the things i’ve ever done to hurt him. i feel like i should reach out and apologize.

as for sean and his ex, i know she’s said some nasty things to him that really hurt him. i know they were serious–they lived together for a while and moved back and forth from hawaii many times. i’m sure she was someone who really special to him too but he’s told me things that make me feel like i’m way more special. he’s told me that he’s been in love before but it’s never been like this. i don’t know if i can say the same. he says he never thought about marriage to a girl he dated for 4 years but he has with me. i can’t say that i can say the same. i need to find comfort that he loves me more than he loved his ex girlfriend because its the truth. but someones i wonder if i love him more than i loved kyle. i know it’s a different kind of life because i’m a different person and sean and kyle are different people. but just like sean, kyle promised me forever. and i know kyle meant it and i don’t doubt that sean he means it but it just makes me think about what he’s told his ex girlfriend about promises of the future. it does me no good to wonder about sean and his past relationship–my mind is always going to assume the worst. all i can do is look back at my past and find closure.

and i think i’ve finally found it. i just feel like i have to do one last thing before i can–and i’m not sure if its a good idea or not. don’t know how i would feel about sean texting his ex. but its a completely different scenario–they ended on bad terms (from what i can gather) and kyle and i obviously still care about each other as human beings. my mom advises me to let it go but i still feel like i owe kyle an apology. i dont think ive ever really said sorry and i think it’s something that i need to get off of my chest.

march 12, 2014

holy cow. it’s almost the middle of march. the puppy calendar that hangs in my kitchen still reads 2013. i should probably take it down…

so much has happened since my last post. like always. as life should have it…

sean and i are in a much happier place. we talk, we always talk. thats one of the best things about us–we always work out what’s going on. if one of us doesn’t understand, we communicate that to the other and we both talk until we’re sure that we’re always on the same page. 

he’s such a great guy. not sure how i got so lucky to have him call me his. his smile is so happy but sneaky. i love that it looks like he’s always thinking something. most of the time it’s something thoughtful like blueberries and chocolate when i’m PMSing. but some times it’s playful. i like that the most about him. he’s so much fun. 

about a week ago, he sold my jeep for me. in about 2 days. for way more than i thought I would get it for. i took him out to sushi and helped him out with his rent.

also, our sex continues to get better! yesterday on our hike, we found a cool spot on some rocks by the river. he fucked me doggy style and it was the first time i had ever had an orgasm outside. my right knee is still so bruised!

i’ve stopped taking birth control and have started to use the rhythm method to track when i’m ovulating and fertile. i started ovulating last wednesday (a week ago) we had sex over the weekend and it was so amazing. on saturday i asked him to cum inside me. twice. i knew i was ovulating and so did he but in the heat of things we just went for it. to be honest, the thought of us having children together turns us on even more. right after we finished intercourse i had this feeling that we had just made a baby. i said nothing and tried to push the thoughts away. we went on with our day and a few hours later while we were in the car, he turned to me at a red light and said, “babe. i don’t know how to say this but i think we made a baby this morning.” 

the next couple of days he kept rubbing my belly and smiling.

i had to get plan b. because i know i’ll never go through with an abortion. 

at least not with this man.

i want a child with sean so bad. but the timing needs to be right. i need to find a career (i’ve been looking into nursing). he needs a steadier paycheck. and we need to live together.

he tells me that he feels like the pressure is on to move in with me. and it should be. i tell him that there’s not rush but that he did tell me that within the next few months he’d be ready to move in with me. i know he can do it. that’s the great thing about sean–his follow through. if you let him know that you really want something to happen, he’ll make it happen for you.

sunday funday?

before i begin let me just put out a precursor… when people journal, they are typically upset and cathartically piece words together in a private atmosphere. that’s exactly what i’m doing here. my blogs are not microcosms of my life, they are merely snapshots of me when i’m frustrated, sad, confused, or hurt.

 

sean just drove away angry. he has been easily frustrated lately. it’s concerning because i feel like it’s something i’ve done to make him feel that way even though i know it’s not. i know that it’s not me, it’s circumstances that are upsetting him. but it’s difficult to be around someone who is so easily and so negatively affected when things don’t go as planned. i try to calm him down and try my hardest to help him see the positive side of things but then he gets upset that i don’t understand. when i try, i really do try….

he eventually does come around and he even asked me today to work with him more through his grumpy moods. he pointed out that he works with me and never suggest that we spend time apart. when i suggest space it really does hurt him… in a much different way then what i’m implying when i offer a couple of hours of isolation to regroup. it makes me sad.

we care about each other so much but some times our intentions get lost in translation. today was a rough day for our relationship. my intentions were nothing but positive and yet i felt like there was no way to lift his spirits. he woke up so happy and so loving. he called me beautiful for the first time in weeks. is that weird that i even keep track of those things? when we were first dating, he’d stop in the middle of kissing me and look at me completely awestruck. and he’d think out loud how he’d gotten so lucky to have such a beautiful person like me in his arms. i’m sure he still feels that way, he just doesn’t express it that much anymore. 

anyway, he woke up so happy. and then something happened… i can’t put my finger on it. maybe nothing happened or maybe it was a combination of a lot of shit happening. whatever it was, it brought sean to a dark place and i felt like there was nothing i could do to steer it towards the right direction. 

he texted me wishing me a good night. i guess he doesn’t want me coming over? i can’t read him right now. i’m not sure what’s going on anymore. all i know is that i love him and i’m never giving up on this. so i don’t care how many disagreements we encounter, i’m going to keep trying to get it right. i’m going to keep fighting for our love because it feels to fucking good.