history repeats itself

i cant even begin to explain the jealousy inside of me,
gushing through my veins and seeping between the cracks inside my brains.
the insecurities eat away at the pride in me
so when i look into the mirror my reflection no longer bears any resemblance to the woman i thought i was when you were holding me,
when you were fucking me,
when you were gripping onto my neck telling me how fucking gorgeous i am.

i lose that woman,
i lose her in between the sheets
when i try to snuggle up to you and i see a world of distance in your eyes.
i lose her when i think about how much it would hurt to lose you,
how twisted i must be to keep secrets from you.
i lose her when i think about how different she is,
i mistake her novelty for an anomaly and,
when i look into the mirror, i call her ugly.

i feel ugly… i feel ugly to you.
how can you even find the part of me that’s worth your pain
when my outsides are riddled with bumps, and cuts, and bruises, and pimples, and freckles, and fat?
how can you still sleep next to me
when you dig deeper than my surface and find out at that my insides are just as rotten?
how can you still fuck me the same
when you find out i’m just a vessel, carrying rancid emotions and toxic thoughts?

i hate that i hurt you,
like i hurt him.
i hate myself that i still struggle.
i hate that i’m still trying to learn…
that i’m not perfect for you,
that our relationship isn’t unscathed by my dishonesty.
that there’s a blemish on our perfect record.
and…
that it’s all my fault.

and right when i’m feeling down,
kind of like how i feel right about now,
you seize me.
you wrap me up in your arms because you know how much i love when you do that,
you tell me to look at you because i always look away when i’m sad
and you ask me how i feel because you know i’m hurting.

moments like those are so bittersweet.
our relationship is fractured and
we’re both trying to be strong.
gritting our teeth as the cast is set.
it’s so weird to get used to–this heavy burden chained onto our hearts.
but i believe that once what’s broken is mended,
it will come back stronger than before.

i’m sorry.

i love you.

Lord

I know you hear me,
So listen to this prayer
Help me through this struggle,
Mold me into something greater.
Test my will, my patience, and my strength.
Try my dedication and slow my pace.
Teach me that I can only hurt myself when I stray from your faith.
You’ve blessed me with a heart so loving and kind,
Give me a mirror to expose how some times I can be so blind
I push his buttons and yet he stays by my side.
Bless me now with the courage to love,
Not to run and hide.
The courage to grab him and kiss him
And tell him he’s mine.

the graduate life

so i’m in bed. my mini space heater is blasting at my feet and i have clean laundry pushed into makeshift pillows. just tried to tap the screen of my macbook to move the location of the cursor… i’m already too used to my ipad.

let’s start with the good news: i have a new internship! it’s with a really great nonprofit. i’ll be an Education Specialist for 6 months which will have me working directly with refugee children, getting them acclimated to the social pressures of education in the country. i’m very excited. this work seems extremely rewarding even though i won’t be getting paid. i will gain experience i wont get from any where else!

i also have been talking to the SM of Lucky Brand. very exciting stuff. even though this would still be retail for me… at least its a jump away from LOFT and hopefully it’s for a management position. otherwise its a waste of time. 

other news i have is bittersweet… ive reworked my schedule to get less hours at loft! yay! i hate that wretched place–i’m wasting my life caring for a job that has nothing for me but empty promises and a shitty pay scale. but… that also means a very VERY diminished paycheck. which means asking parentals for help with rent money. the boy has offered to help but i haven’t taken him up on the offer.

we talk about moving in together. i would love to… i’m so ready to just be with him and make a home with him. he’s such an amazing guy– he understands me most of the time and even when he doesn’t, he tries really hard to show that he cares. i can’t live with felicia anymore. not going to happen. she’s not a horrible room mate but i feel like she’s dead weight…

anyways, some times i dont feel a constant rush of love towards the boy, i feel it in little moments. like when he cooks me dinner or when i wake up to him pulling me towards him to cuddle. other times i feel spiteful towards him… it’s a really horrible thing i find myself doing. i text other boys. i do it for attention mostly…because i’m insecure. i think about the past and all the women he’s been with. i wonder if he’s settling and i wonder what he wishes he could change about me. i wonder if he’d love me more or call me beautiful more often if i was thinner. what will break us apart is my insecurities. my horrible ED past. my body dysmoprhia. that’s what could ruin us, if i let it.

i try to be strong and fight it. i haven’t binge/purged in a couple of weeks. and then it was a few more weeks before that. it happens when i’m stressed. lately ive been stressed a lot. my skin has been breaking out like MAD because of the birth control i’m on. my income is so shitty, i freak out about paying rent and utilities and my phone bill. on top of that, i wish i was 20 lbs lighter. which isn’t realistic but completely ideal. i’ll be happy to lose even just 10. 

i need to monitor my food a lot. i also need to strength train since i don’t do cardio as much. if i strength train almost every day and do cardio 2-3 times a week and eat better and eat less… summer is coming up and i want to be in shape! doesnt help much that i drink a lot too :/

anywho… should get ready to go grocery shopping, having some lunch, and hunker down on some more job applications. boy is it tiring….

hasta luego1

Let’s see… It’s been a while since I’ve given an update on the goings on of my life. As sluggo of Atmosphere put it: “life, love, stress, and set backs for those try a breeeeeeathe’. Lol

I’ve been official with the boy for a month now. Kind of weird, adjusting to the not single lifestyle is difficult for the both of us. I mean this in terms of having to consider someone else other than yourself. Neither of us want to hook up with others, we just aren’t good with emotionally dealing with the ones we’re intimate with lol. We’re serious with each other. He’s fallen kind of hard rather quickly but some times those are the most passionate relationships.

He is a few years older than and has been through different experiences than I have. Because of this, I find myself learning from him, like different ways to approach situations and how to deliver honest thoughts in a constructive way. I’ve discovered things that I need to work out, perhaps remnants of the dysfunction of my past relationships.

Good relationships help a person to grow spiritually, emotionally, and mentally. And if it’s really good, you’ll grow physically together as well. The boy and I love hikes and working out. We try to fit them in as frequent as possible. Right now my back is out due to an injury at work so I’ve been keeping my physical movement to a minimum lol.

I’m sure he is learning a lot to. He told me that I help him to be a better person. I’m not sure if all guys tell their gfs or appreciate their gfs for the same reason but it sure is nice to hear. He told me that I make him want to do nice things for other people. He is a really sweet guy with a big heart.

I dislike how firm he is with his dog. But I can’t really vocalize that. I haven’t had a dog of my own yet and I’m sure he knows Burt like the back of his hand.

Anywho. Too tired to keep writing. Nap time before I continue the job hunt. I have work at 5 and then I’m off until Sunday! Can’t wait to spend Friday and Saturday with the boy.<!–

i’ve been meaning to write but…

i’ve come up with a lot of excuses why i haven’t in the mean time…

going to freestyle something really quickly, just to get some creative juices flowing.

cathartic. let’s go.

 

 

when you mention her, i can see your eyes flash.
hidden memories become unattached
from the chains in your forgotten place.
memories you’ve pushed far away,
to help you move forward and forget her face.
yet you drop these memories like they were just yesterday,
you smile and deep down your heart fades back
to that “one time” when she was still yours

and you were hers and things were perfect.

and when you snap out of that trip,
your eyes finally recognize what you have in front of you:
a girl willing to give you everything she has
if you could just let go of what you used to have,
if you could just keep the past in the past.
you don’t realize how much it hurts
to have a lover digging up the dirt,
for buried bones of a former love that passed.

It’s the second day of 2014

in a minute it’ll be over and gone.
Gone. Like the rain drops on the wind shield,
As I’m speeding down the freeway.
Icy cold veins causing emotional delay.
It’s either my way or the high way,
But u treat me like a princess,
From the second we first kissed
Sparks flew, it was electric…
There’s no way I could regret this.
And even tho I’m a bad girl,
I promise to reform for this new world,
To be a better woman to you,
To motivate but not to push you,
To encourage, not to rush you,
To listen, not to hush you,
To support and always trust you.
And you say you understand if I would want someone else,
U don’t see the value I see in urself.