this is not my beautiful house. this is not my beautiful life…
i find myself confused. i feel like i’m going through the motions, without even taking a second to think about all of these changes are making me feel. finally my emotions bubble up and it comes out that the only emotion I feel is resentment.
resentment towards myself for counting financially on a man, for not having a great job, for not having a social life, for not trusting a man who claims to love me.
i have resentment towards this man because i don’t think he understands me. i have resentment towards him because i’m not his first love.
i know it’s messed up–i’ve loved before. but when i look back, how could that have been love?
how can this be love?
we are what we repeatedly do.
i repeatedly dive into the past, collect ammunition, and vindicate myself through anger.
i’m not sure how i feel anymore. the last few days have been a complete blur.
i can see my dreams but i feel like they’re slowly slipping away from me.
i need to refocus.
i need a good work out. i need something that’s mine.