i’m over fighting

i’m done getting hurt, trying to explain myself, and having sean get pissed off at me even more. this relationship is so frustrating because we are making it this way. 

i feel like i’m always doing something wrong. i’m never good enough. i don’t toast his bagels perfectly, i don’t initiate sex with him enough, i can’t even find a good band-aid.

everything i do is fucked up in his eyes. why do i even try?

i’m over feeling invalidated by someone. he gets upset that i say hurtful things when i’m angry. well imagine how it feels to have someone say hurtful things ALL OF THE TIME, not just when they’re upset, but in every day life situations.

i can’t argue anymore. but i don’t want to completely give up and always be the one to apologize.

i’ve decided to give myself a year… i’ve decided to ride this lease out with him (unless it becomes absolutely intolerable) and then make the decision if i want to stay with him or not. 

we got in a fight this morning because he tried to get sexy with me in the 15 minutes we had before he had to leave for work. my chest is hurting (due to an accidental injury he caused) so that limits my positions a lot. sean, being the typical man, only wants to look at my ass when we fuck. i hadn’t pooped this morning so that created more pain in an area further south than my chest. his solution every time i said that it hurt was to stop completely–NOT to try to figure out another position with me. finally i take a break from the pain to use the restroom in hopes to relieve myself and he tells me that he no longer has time to have sex.

anger ensues.

its situations like this that make me feel like he doesn’t care about me as a person.

i woke up in someone else’s life

this is not my beautiful house. this is not my beautiful life…

 

i find myself confused. i feel like i’m going through the motions, without even taking a second to think about all of these changes are making me feel. finally my emotions bubble up and it comes out that the only emotion I feel is resentment.

resentment towards myself for counting financially on a man, for not having a great job, for not having a social life, for not trusting a man who claims to love me.

i have resentment towards this man because i don’t think he understands me. i have resentment towards him because i’m not his first love. 

i know it’s messed up–i’ve loved before. but when i look back, how could that have been love?

how can this be love? 

we are what we repeatedly do.

i repeatedly dive into the past, collect ammunition, and vindicate myself through anger.

i’m not sure how i feel anymore. the last few days have been a complete blur.

i can see my dreams but i feel like they’re slowly slipping away from me. 

i need to refocus.

i need a good work out. i need something that’s mine.