wow. technology these days… i’m in bed, in a la-z boy of down pillows, on my ipad, typing this with a blue tooth keyboard.

why am i in bed? its 11:30 am on such a striking day! the sun is out and the windy is strong and sweet. wishing i could just hop out of bed and go for a run. but i obtained some pretty gnarly injury that’s keeping me out of commission for a while. at least until friday, when i go back for x-rays, and the doctor for sure can tell me that i dont have an fractures on my skin, that i only injured my flesh and that it’s healing up nicely with no infection.

i can tell you exactly why i jumped off those rocks into the water below. i was scared but i wanted to go for something i had never done before. literally, a jim morrison quote hit me like a bag full of clarity and i just went for it. didnt end up the way i had envisioned but it turned out the way it had to be.

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not sure why this particular quote stood out to me out of all of the quotes i read, but it did and i went for it.

lately sean and I have not been having the easiest time. ive recently found out some more stuff about the girl he was only “hooking up” in the months before and a couple weeks up until him and i started dating. this is the same girl that would come around him at his favorite local bar.

to me, the information i learned (which was from sean… he always answers my questions honestly. sometimes a bit too honestly…) makes it seem like they werent just hooking up. and yet sean still claims that he was using her because she bought him stuff and fucked him whenever he wanted. they went on a vacation together, she met his dad, and yet he still claims that he was just using her. and that she knew that the entire time.

it doesn’t all add up to me–why would someone go through that much trouble just to use someone? if she truly annoyed him, why didn’t he just be like ‘okay fuck off i can find someone else’.

but thats what he claims it was so i just have to trust him on that.

it breaks my heart to know that he treated another human being like that. the worst ive ever done was get josh to give me $500 for an abortion that i never had to have. but i never kept using josh. i never have kept using someone for that long and for such selfish needs. it makes me second guess who is he. i could never fathom this.

but you know what? we all do things other people wont always understand. some times we dont even understand why we do things because we’re in such dark places. i think thats what hurts me the most, what kind of place must sean have been to do those things. he told me he was so glad to have met me, that i’m a different type of woman because he doesn’t feel like he has to “put up” with me.

i truly think that i’m helping him to be a better person. i think my soul has so much good intention that it’s almost blinding.

kyle told me the same thing. he used to tell me i was precious because i saved him from such a bad place in his life.

im proud to say that i have that power within me–to be so strong to love and believe. lately ive been questioning my faith but i think this injury opened my eyes. my dad told me that it must be lola looking out for me. and i believe that it’s true. my lola was the nicest person ever and she never got mad. i’m going to try to channel her the next time i’m upset.

god, how i wish i could have met her. if i had gone when i had the opportunity, i honestly think i would have taken it for granted. i didn’t meet her for a reason and the reason is so when i was mature enough to realize how much i missed out on, i would make sure that i dont take what i currently have for granted.

i have a great family. regardless of distance, their love is so strong for me. i’m never alone. and no one will ever give up on me.

i have a beautiful body and soul. i am healthy (for the most part) and i am capable of love, adventure, and strength.

i have a job.

i am living in a new place! i love sacramento :)

i have an amazing man in my life. he cares for me, gives me guidance (sometimes a little too much, but thats the mckee hard headedness in me), and he is never afraid to ask what he wants from me. he believes in me and encourages me to do better for myself.

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