i’m writing this to say good bye

they say that you can’t begin a new chapter of your life if you keep rereading the last one. so let me take some time to acknowledge my past and peacefully let it go…

to all of the boys i’ve let into my life, only a few come to mind when i think about who was worth the tears, the emotions, and the sacrifices i’ve made. all of the boys have taught me something new about myself and have also given me opportunities to grow.

it’s hard for me to move forward with sean right now because i keep thinking about my ex boyfriend, which i then project onto sean– “he must be thinking about his ex” which is really not the case at all. they seemed to have ended on bad terms which is completely unlike how kyle and i ended–as torn apart lovers.

it’s time for me to acknowledge that neither of us harbor any bad feelings towards the other. i think that this makes it that much harder for me to let go. our break up was not because we didn’t love each other, it happened because we both chose to take our lives in different directions after trying to keep it together for so long.

i had lived the second half of our relationship in guilt, and even though he was man enough to accept me with my faults, i could not shake the fact that i chose to be with him because i felt bad. that’s not the only reason, for the record, that i stayed. he was (and probably still is) a great guy–loving, sweet, funny, and caring. not to mention tall and handsome lol.

we took a break after i found out that i had been developing feelings for another person. it was hard to come home to a man after being out all day crushing on someone else. i talked to him and said i needed space. he agreed.

i remember seeing him a week or so after we had decided to take a break. we were sitting in his car, talking. and i started crying and questioning how it came to this–how you could love someone so much, and then just realize that it’s the person you love that’s make you stay, not the fact that you’re IN love with them. i will never forget what he said to me through my tears of frustration and confusion– “we chose this.”

those words still stick to me–we both chose to get space, we both chose to try to explore out of the realm of comfort we had so sloppily built with each other. i remind myself of this every time i start to wonder what happened.

i had already started dating someone new–sleeping with a new man. coincidentally, not the same guy i had started to develop feelings for while still being with kyle, but his room mate. lol

the actual break up came in spring when one of my friends had told me that they had seen kyle out on a date with another woman. he kissed her. which is not as bad as what i had been doing but i am the queen of double standards (working on that btw). i called him up, packed all of his shit, drove to his place to drop it off and pick up my stuff and that was it. we kind of cut off all contact from each other for a while. it was easy for me to move on–i had a new boy toy and a new circle of friends to distract me.

later that summer, i texted him to come over. we hooked up and right away i knew it was a mistake. our sex was textbook–like it had grown to be over the years–and the emotions weren’t there. i remember i started to cry to like a baby afterward, and he held me, butt naked, and comforted me. once i pulled myself together I suggested that he leave. and he did.

many months later I ran into him at a party. i remember getting in his car to go smoke or pick up weed or something (not sure–i was drunk). we didn’t do anything except talk for a little bit. we came back to the party and  that was the last time that i saw him.

that must have happened a year and a half ago or so,  maybe more, and it makes me happy that  we don’t have any bad feelings towards each other. he has had a slew of girlfriends since me but i think he’s trying to find a placeholder for me. i know that i was someone really special to him and it makes me sad that instead of trying to find a new person to fall in love with, he’s finding my qualities that he loved in other people.

as for him, i’m completely over kyle. i just want my baby pictures back. it gives me comfort that we have no bad feelings towards each other. he’s a great guy and i hope he finds happiness one day. i feel bad for all of the things i’ve ever done to hurt him. i feel like i should reach out and apologize.

as for sean and his ex, i know she’s said some nasty things to him that really hurt him. i know they were serious–they lived together for a while and moved back and forth from hawaii many times. i’m sure she was someone who really special to him too but he’s told me things that make me feel like i’m way more special. he’s told me that he’s been in love before but it’s never been like this. i don’t know if i can say the same. he says he never thought about marriage to a girl he dated for 4 years but he has with me. i can’t say that i can say the same. i need to find comfort that he loves me more than he loved his ex girlfriend because its the truth. but someones i wonder if i love him more than i loved kyle. i know it’s a different kind of life because i’m a different person and sean and kyle are different people. but just like sean, kyle promised me forever. and i know kyle meant it and i don’t doubt that sean he means it but it just makes me think about what he’s told his ex girlfriend about promises of the future. it does me no good to wonder about sean and his past relationship–my mind is always going to assume the worst. all i can do is look back at my past and find closure.

and i think i’ve finally found it. i just feel like i have to do one last thing before i can–and i’m not sure if its a good idea or not. don’t know how i would feel about sean texting his ex. but its a completely different scenario–they ended on bad terms (from what i can gather) and kyle and i obviously still care about each other as human beings. my mom advises me to let it go but i still feel like i owe kyle an apology. i dont think ive ever really said sorry and i think it’s something that i need to get off of my chest.


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