history repeats itself

i cant even begin to explain the jealousy inside of me,
gushing through my veins and seeping between the cracks inside my brains.
the insecurities eat away at the pride in me
so when i look into the mirror my reflection no longer bears any resemblance to the woman i thought i was when you were holding me,
when you were fucking me,
when you were gripping onto my neck telling me how fucking gorgeous i am.

i lose that woman,
i lose her in between the sheets
when i try to snuggle up to you and i see a world of distance in your eyes.
i lose her when i think about how much it would hurt to lose you,
how twisted i must be to keep secrets from you.
i lose her when i think about how different she is,
i mistake her novelty for an anomaly and,
when i look into the mirror, i call her ugly.

i feel ugly… i feel ugly to you.
how can you even find the part of me that’s worth your pain
when my outsides are riddled with bumps, and cuts, and bruises, and pimples, and freckles, and fat?
how can you still sleep next to me
when you dig deeper than my surface and find out at that my insides are just as rotten?
how can you still fuck me the same
when you find out i’m just a vessel, carrying rancid emotions and toxic thoughts?

i hate that i hurt you,
like i hurt him.
i hate myself that i still struggle.
i hate that i’m still trying to learn…
that i’m not perfect for you,
that our relationship isn’t unscathed by my dishonesty.
that there’s a blemish on our perfect record.
and…
that it’s all my fault.

and right when i’m feeling down,
kind of like how i feel right about now,
you seize me.
you wrap me up in your arms because you know how much i love when you do that,
you tell me to look at you because i always look away when i’m sad
and you ask me how i feel because you know i’m hurting.

moments like those are so bittersweet.
our relationship is fractured and
we’re both trying to be strong.
gritting our teeth as the cast is set.
it’s so weird to get used to–this heavy burden chained onto our hearts.
but i believe that once what’s broken is mended,
it will come back stronger than before.

i’m sorry.

i love you.

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