so i’m in bed. my mini space heater is blasting at my feet and i have clean laundry pushed into makeshift pillows. just tried to tap the screen of my macbook to move the location of the cursor… i’m already too used to my ipad.
let’s start with the good news: i have a new internship! it’s with a really great nonprofit. i’ll be an Education Specialist for 6 months which will have me working directly with refugee children, getting them acclimated to the social pressures of education in the country. i’m very excited. this work seems extremely rewarding even though i won’t be getting paid. i will gain experience i wont get from any where else!
i also have been talking to the SM of Lucky Brand. very exciting stuff. even though this would still be retail for me… at least its a jump away from LOFT and hopefully it’s for a management position. otherwise its a waste of time.
other news i have is bittersweet… ive reworked my schedule to get less hours at loft! yay! i hate that wretched place–i’m wasting my life caring for a job that has nothing for me but empty promises and a shitty pay scale. but… that also means a very VERY diminished paycheck. which means asking parentals for help with rent money. the boy has offered to help but i haven’t taken him up on the offer.
we talk about moving in together. i would love to… i’m so ready to just be with him and make a home with him. he’s such an amazing guy– he understands me most of the time and even when he doesn’t, he tries really hard to show that he cares. i can’t live with felicia anymore. not going to happen. she’s not a horrible room mate but i feel like she’s dead weight…
anyways, some times i dont feel a constant rush of love towards the boy, i feel it in little moments. like when he cooks me dinner or when i wake up to him pulling me towards him to cuddle. other times i feel spiteful towards him… it’s a really horrible thing i find myself doing. i text other boys. i do it for attention mostly…because i’m insecure. i think about the past and all the women he’s been with. i wonder if he’s settling and i wonder what he wishes he could change about me. i wonder if he’d love me more or call me beautiful more often if i was thinner. what will break us apart is my insecurities. my horrible ED past. my body dysmoprhia. that’s what could ruin us, if i let it.
i try to be strong and fight it. i haven’t binge/purged in a couple of weeks. and then it was a few more weeks before that. it happens when i’m stressed. lately ive been stressed a lot. my skin has been breaking out like MAD because of the birth control i’m on. my income is so shitty, i freak out about paying rent and utilities and my phone bill. on top of that, i wish i was 20 lbs lighter. which isn’t realistic but completely ideal. i’ll be happy to lose even just 10.
i need to monitor my food a lot. i also need to strength train since i don’t do cardio as much. if i strength train almost every day and do cardio 2-3 times a week and eat better and eat less… summer is coming up and i want to be in shape! doesnt help much that i drink a lot too :/
anywho… should get ready to go grocery shopping, having some lunch, and hunker down on some more job applications. boy is it tiring….