before i begin let me just put out a precursor… when people journal, they are typically upset and cathartically piece words together in a private atmosphere. that’s exactly what i’m doing here. my blogs are not microcosms of my life, they are merely snapshots of me when i’m frustrated, sad, confused, or hurt.
sean just drove away angry. he has been easily frustrated lately. it’s concerning because i feel like it’s something i’ve done to make him feel that way even though i know it’s not. i know that it’s not me, it’s circumstances that are upsetting him. but it’s difficult to be around someone who is so easily and so negatively affected when things don’t go as planned. i try to calm him down and try my hardest to help him see the positive side of things but then he gets upset that i don’t understand. when i try, i really do try….
he eventually does come around and he even asked me today to work with him more through his grumpy moods. he pointed out that he works with me and never suggest that we spend time apart. when i suggest space it really does hurt him… in a much different way then what i’m implying when i offer a couple of hours of isolation to regroup. it makes me sad.
we care about each other so much but some times our intentions get lost in translation. today was a rough day for our relationship. my intentions were nothing but positive and yet i felt like there was no way to lift his spirits. he woke up so happy and so loving. he called me beautiful for the first time in weeks. is that weird that i even keep track of those things? when we were first dating, he’d stop in the middle of kissing me and look at me completely awestruck. and he’d think out loud how he’d gotten so lucky to have such a beautiful person like me in his arms. i’m sure he still feels that way, he just doesn’t express it that much anymore.
anyway, he woke up so happy. and then something happened… i can’t put my finger on it. maybe nothing happened or maybe it was a combination of a lot of shit happening. whatever it was, it brought sean to a dark place and i felt like there was nothing i could do to steer it towards the right direction.
he texted me wishing me a good night. i guess he doesn’t want me coming over? i can’t read him right now. i’m not sure what’s going on anymore. all i know is that i love him and i’m never giving up on this. so i don’t care how many disagreements we encounter, i’m going to keep trying to get it right. i’m going to keep fighting for our love because it feels to fucking good.