sunday funday?

before i begin let me just put out a precursor… when people journal, they are typically upset and cathartically piece words together in a private atmosphere. that’s exactly what i’m doing here. my blogs are not microcosms of my life, they are merely snapshots of me when i’m frustrated, sad, confused, or hurt.

 

sean just drove away angry. he has been easily frustrated lately. it’s concerning because i feel like it’s something i’ve done to make him feel that way even though i know it’s not. i know that it’s not me, it’s circumstances that are upsetting him. but it’s difficult to be around someone who is so easily and so negatively affected when things don’t go as planned. i try to calm him down and try my hardest to help him see the positive side of things but then he gets upset that i don’t understand. when i try, i really do try….

he eventually does come around and he even asked me today to work with him more through his grumpy moods. he pointed out that he works with me and never suggest that we spend time apart. when i suggest space it really does hurt him… in a much different way then what i’m implying when i offer a couple of hours of isolation to regroup. it makes me sad.

we care about each other so much but some times our intentions get lost in translation. today was a rough day for our relationship. my intentions were nothing but positive and yet i felt like there was no way to lift his spirits. he woke up so happy and so loving. he called me beautiful for the first time in weeks. is that weird that i even keep track of those things? when we were first dating, he’d stop in the middle of kissing me and look at me completely awestruck. and he’d think out loud how he’d gotten so lucky to have such a beautiful person like me in his arms. i’m sure he still feels that way, he just doesn’t express it that much anymore. 

anyway, he woke up so happy. and then something happened… i can’t put my finger on it. maybe nothing happened or maybe it was a combination of a lot of shit happening. whatever it was, it brought sean to a dark place and i felt like there was nothing i could do to steer it towards the right direction. 

he texted me wishing me a good night. i guess he doesn’t want me coming over? i can’t read him right now. i’m not sure what’s going on anymore. all i know is that i love him and i’m never giving up on this. so i don’t care how many disagreements we encounter, i’m going to keep trying to get it right. i’m going to keep fighting for our love because it feels to fucking good.

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history repeats itself

i cant even begin to explain the jealousy inside of me,
gushing through my veins and seeping between the cracks inside my brains.
the insecurities eat away at the pride in me
so when i look into the mirror my reflection no longer bears any resemblance to the woman i thought i was when you were holding me,
when you were fucking me,
when you were gripping onto my neck telling me how fucking gorgeous i am.

i lose that woman,
i lose her in between the sheets
when i try to snuggle up to you and i see a world of distance in your eyes.
i lose her when i think about how much it would hurt to lose you,
how twisted i must be to keep secrets from you.
i lose her when i think about how different she is,
i mistake her novelty for an anomaly and,
when i look into the mirror, i call her ugly.

i feel ugly… i feel ugly to you.
how can you even find the part of me that’s worth your pain
when my outsides are riddled with bumps, and cuts, and bruises, and pimples, and freckles, and fat?
how can you still sleep next to me
when you dig deeper than my surface and find out at that my insides are just as rotten?
how can you still fuck me the same
when you find out i’m just a vessel, carrying rancid emotions and toxic thoughts?

i hate that i hurt you,
like i hurt him.
i hate myself that i still struggle.
i hate that i’m still trying to learn…
that i’m not perfect for you,
that our relationship isn’t unscathed by my dishonesty.
that there’s a blemish on our perfect record.
and…
that it’s all my fault.

and right when i’m feeling down,
kind of like how i feel right about now,
you seize me.
you wrap me up in your arms because you know how much i love when you do that,
you tell me to look at you because i always look away when i’m sad
and you ask me how i feel because you know i’m hurting.

moments like those are so bittersweet.
our relationship is fractured and
we’re both trying to be strong.
gritting our teeth as the cast is set.
it’s so weird to get used to–this heavy burden chained onto our hearts.
but i believe that once what’s broken is mended,
it will come back stronger than before.

i’m sorry.

i love you.

Lord

I know you hear me,
So listen to this prayer
Help me through this struggle,
Mold me into something greater.
Test my will, my patience, and my strength.
Try my dedication and slow my pace.
Teach me that I can only hurt myself when I stray from your faith.
You’ve blessed me with a heart so loving and kind,
Give me a mirror to expose how some times I can be so blind
I push his buttons and yet he stays by my side.
Bless me now with the courage to love,
Not to run and hide.
The courage to grab him and kiss him
And tell him he’s mine.

the graduate life

so i’m in bed. my mini space heater is blasting at my feet and i have clean laundry pushed into makeshift pillows. just tried to tap the screen of my macbook to move the location of the cursor… i’m already too used to my ipad.

let’s start with the good news: i have a new internship! it’s with a really great nonprofit. i’ll be an Education Specialist for 6 months which will have me working directly with refugee children, getting them acclimated to the social pressures of education in the country. i’m very excited. this work seems extremely rewarding even though i won’t be getting paid. i will gain experience i wont get from any where else!

i also have been talking to the SM of Lucky Brand. very exciting stuff. even though this would still be retail for me… at least its a jump away from LOFT and hopefully it’s for a management position. otherwise its a waste of time. 

other news i have is bittersweet… ive reworked my schedule to get less hours at loft! yay! i hate that wretched place–i’m wasting my life caring for a job that has nothing for me but empty promises and a shitty pay scale. but… that also means a very VERY diminished paycheck. which means asking parentals for help with rent money. the boy has offered to help but i haven’t taken him up on the offer.

we talk about moving in together. i would love to… i’m so ready to just be with him and make a home with him. he’s such an amazing guy– he understands me most of the time and even when he doesn’t, he tries really hard to show that he cares. i can’t live with felicia anymore. not going to happen. she’s not a horrible room mate but i feel like she’s dead weight…

anyways, some times i dont feel a constant rush of love towards the boy, i feel it in little moments. like when he cooks me dinner or when i wake up to him pulling me towards him to cuddle. other times i feel spiteful towards him… it’s a really horrible thing i find myself doing. i text other boys. i do it for attention mostly…because i’m insecure. i think about the past and all the women he’s been with. i wonder if he’s settling and i wonder what he wishes he could change about me. i wonder if he’d love me more or call me beautiful more often if i was thinner. what will break us apart is my insecurities. my horrible ED past. my body dysmoprhia. that’s what could ruin us, if i let it.

i try to be strong and fight it. i haven’t binge/purged in a couple of weeks. and then it was a few more weeks before that. it happens when i’m stressed. lately ive been stressed a lot. my skin has been breaking out like MAD because of the birth control i’m on. my income is so shitty, i freak out about paying rent and utilities and my phone bill. on top of that, i wish i was 20 lbs lighter. which isn’t realistic but completely ideal. i’ll be happy to lose even just 10. 

i need to monitor my food a lot. i also need to strength train since i don’t do cardio as much. if i strength train almost every day and do cardio 2-3 times a week and eat better and eat less… summer is coming up and i want to be in shape! doesnt help much that i drink a lot too :/

anywho… should get ready to go grocery shopping, having some lunch, and hunker down on some more job applications. boy is it tiring….

hasta luego1