i can’t quite seem to stop the aching feeling sitting in my ribcage, right in the hallow space between my breasts. crumpled up. like a piece of damp paper… folding into itself and so drenched with a contagious longing.
the folds stick together and you can’t unravel the soggy mess of feelings without tearing it’s essence into pulp. water-logged smithereens.
guys with egos are the easiest guys to get rid of. most of the girls you talk to may think the opposite: a guy with an ego will never give up on a girl who rejects him. but that’s the key, you never really reject him. importantly, don’t let him get any either. just keep him at bay, lead him on. guys with egos hate complacency. in order to get rid of a man with an ego, just ignore him. he may not get the hint but will have no doubt found an easier woman to conquer while waiting for you.
too many women make the mistake of dating men who view women as conquests and others make the mistake of dating men who jump into relationships… these women are unaware that these type of men are settling, using their “gf”s as an easy hook up, or as something to fill that void eroded away by a recent break up. these women end up in shitty relationships with shitty boyfriends, heart broken forever. these women do this to themselves. these women, like the men they date, have a corroded self-image.
i used to get asked from men why i was single, a lot. many may think this as a compliment–wondering how I, a girl composed of such seemingly ideal material for a girl friend, was uncommitted to any one. it’s because i was never really myself, because i was too shy that these guys wouldn’t like who i really was. i always said the right things. not because i genuinely believed them, but because i knew thats what these guys wanted to hear.
men don’t ask me this anymore because they don’t have the need to anymore. i’ve been single so long that i’ve learned to love myself. i no longer fake a muse’s vision. i’m so honest and forthcoming; my actions speak my motives. i’m single because i’m a woman who respects herself enough to wait for the right man. i’m single because i know my self worth and what i deserve in a partner. i don’t have a blackhole in my heart anymore.
so now when i meet guys, i don’t pretend to be the perfect girlfriend. i don’t ever settle for the guy who’s just settling for me. i speak my mind, be cordial when they theirs, and [try to] relax in the company of a new, and quite often different, soul.
it’s late. rambling thoughts now… must sleep. good night!
gonna toke a fat bowl. CUZ I EFFING DESERVE IT!
it’s so funny how you can go from starving to satiated in a matter of 15 minutes. my eating schedule is non existent, just like my life schedule. because i work in retail my schedule varies week to week and my days off are sporadic. last week i work 10 days straight and didn’t get a day off until this past tuesday and wednesday. my next day off is tuesday…. which BTW, i have a phone interview for EBT/CalFresh (see: social programs that i was ranting about in previous post). I got the idea to apply for it from my friend mariah. I have enough financial stuff to deal with like my rent, utilities, college loans, and you can tack on future car payments since i’m in the market anyway… so i guess it would be cool to qualify for free groceries! :D one less thing i have to spend money on… the only thing i’m afraid of if i DO qualify are the grocery markets that i’ll have to go to… can someone say ghetto? lol
*pause* time to pack a bowl
my period is late two weeks. i know i’m definitely not pregnant because i had my period last month and have only been practicing safe sex (with one partner btw–aren’t you proud!?) since. took a test last week and it was negative. so if i don’t get it something this week, i’m buying another test! my sister tells me its stress… and it could be that i’m syncing to the girls i’m now being around frequently like my roommate or the LOFTies.
it’s Saturday night and I literally want to do nothing… except be high, in my undies, with my lagunitas hoodie on, surfing the internet. that sounds ideal to me :)
meeting up with another tinder boy tomorrow night around 8. his name is Ryan. he’s a student and smokes weed. we follow each other on instagram and he seems relatively normal. that’s kind of all i know about him.
this past thursday i met up with 2 tinder guys in one day. right after another. the first was Chasen… a guy who i thought was hot from his pictures when i first moved here, we matched. he messaged me, i replied, and that was it. for other reasons down the road, i winded up deleting my tinder. of course, like the typical katy, i redownloaded the app.
on thursday morning came across chasen yet again… i swiped right and we were an immediate match. this time he sent me THE EXACT SAME MESSAGE. i decided to call him out on it (def not bitter about our first match…) and long story short, we ended up having a really nice conversation. so nice that i agreed to picking him up from school and going to a dispensary. i guess what sold me was the fact that he had his med card… i’m easy to please. so sue me.
drive up to his school… a CC about 20 minutes east of here. he calls me and says he sees my jeep. i turn and HE LOOKS NOTHING LIKE HIS PHOTOs. he gets in the car and he’s a nervous wreck… poor guy. i take him to his house (ugh) so he can drop off a key to his stepdad and when he runs inside i debate whether or not flipping a bitch right there in his cul de cas and google-mapping my way back home. the angel on my shoulder won that round.
ride to dispensary is cool except that he talks. a lot. (a lot of guys do that–why?) i’ve come to not mind when a boy is so self absorbed he verbally wanders through his thoughts for minutes on end. i let boys make asshats of themselves. sometimes it pays to just shut up and listen. you can learn a lot about the guy when they do that. most of the time you’ll see some red flags, if you know what to look for.
actual dispensary visit… not the same. i got to saw how he interacted with others… he was very nervous and flighty and kept giving me these sugar-coated compliments and cutting the budtenders off.
dropped him back home and that was it! he kept texting me though. a wide range of emotions were conveyed by him through 100 word texts…. do not plan on contacting him ever again.
driving back home from his house to mine… i remembered i had agreed to meet up with Derik (also from Tinder) for drinks! at 7! it was 6:40 around this time… and all day didn’t think this was actually going to happen. i thought this because of the lack of communication Derik and I had… or actually, didn’t have.
we had met on tinder a week or so ago, had some good conversation and then i left him hanging. (they love when you leave them hanging.) on tuesday he messaged me again, asking me out for a happy hour drink. i agreed to thursday night but left him hanging for my number until 2 pm the day off.
knowing that 7 is approaching, i text him, “we still on?” he texts back yes and that he’s just pulling into the parking lot. shit. i ask him what parking looks like, he shoots back “lots on 17 below S”. fuck– what does that even mean? i ask for the address and plug it into my apple maps.
i get there and park within 15 minutes. walk up to this restaurant bar called Hook & Ladder. it’s amazingly cute inside. the structure is bare bones but with finished wood and metal, giving it an chic industrial feel. it’s warmly lit and smells like orange potpourri and i make my way over to the bar. i see one man, tall, athletic arms, sitting alone in the dead center of the bar. i tap his shoulder and he turns around.
Derik looked like his photos… He had different teeth than I thought he would have but he’s still a great looking guy. We had pleasant conversation and a glass of wine each. I ordered a pizza. When the bill came he covered the wine and i the pizza…. Not sure how i felt about that but i was slightly miffed. Found out he smokes pot and he wants to see me again. He seems a little dumb… and he’s 28 and admits to just getting out of a long term relationship (about 2 and a half years) with a woman who had a child from another man…. i think i’ll pass.
and last night i had a double date! i’ll write about that next time….
forgive me blog-God for I have sinned. it has been 2 months and 7 days since my last emotional rant.
so it’s 3:30 pm. haven’t rolled out of bed today except to pee and rehydrate. it’s my second day off after a 10 week work stint. boy, has it been crazy… i’m exhausted! i’m getting so old that even sleeping doesn’t help.
today i woke up, chatted with my mother on the phone for a bit, and got a BUNCH of stuff done. I reposted my jeep on craigslist with a lower asking prices–for the third time. I set up my account through the IRC (my new place of internship *hopefully*). I figured out when the government would start harassing me about my student loans and how to extend a grace period. I also figured out how to check my pay stubs digitally (only took me a year and a half!). This led me to discovering that each time I get taxed, the government rapes me for almost a fifth of my wages!
Fuck that, right?! Jesus i’m paying to a bunch of government programs THAT I DONT EVEN USE!!!!!! god damnit, my social security check better be BANGIN’ when i get to that point because honestly i’m pissed! so from now on, one four hour a shift a week, i’m gonna be the laziest son of a gun. cause hell, i’m not getting paid for it! the government is taking it from me and giving it to people who i dont even know. my dad would be upset that i’m typing this cause he’s a democrat! and i totally believe in social programs BUT FUCK. I HARDLY MAKE ENOUGH AS IT IS. TAKE IT FROM THE PEOPLE WHO CAN AFFORD IT.
speaking of social programs, i have an internship in the works! it’s with this really great nonprofit organization called the International Rescue Committee. The focus is basically on providing aid of various types to refugees around the world. My job as a development intern would allow me to help newly arrived refugees become self sufficient! I am truly excited about this because it seems like a great way to help people who need it. I feel like I’m struggling with moving out on my own, but here are these people coming in from different countries just like my father did. It seems like a great cause and I’m extremely happy I found out about it!
The guy im seeing–Rob. or was seeing… so not over his ex and i finally had to call him out on his shit.
nemo will text me every so often, telling me that he’s thinking of me. michael, the guy from two posts ago who lives at home, still texts me as well. like almost daily. i dont get it. he tells me shit like he had seriously thought about making me his girlfriend when i lived down there, that he misses me for more than just sex, that he’s gonna come visit eventually… stuff like that. which makes me SAD and a little butt hurt at the same fucking time because like A), he DIDNT make me his gf when i was down there and i would have been so fucking down even though i was fucking 2 other dudes at the same time.. i would have dropped those losers… and that B), what the fuck is the point of saying it now?! LIKE HONESTLY. what the fuck can we do about how much you really liked me but never really showed me?
also… jew boy. like wtf. think about him from time to time. maybe telling him the abortion didnt work. lol.