going against the grain

before i go on this rant, here’s a beautiful quote from Erving Goffman that points out the liminality of existing in a society as an individual:

“Without something to belong to, we have no stable self, and yet total commitment and attachment to any social unit implies a kind of selflessness. Our sense of being a person can come from being drawn into a wider social unit; our sense of selfhood can rise through the little ways we resist the pull. Our status is backed by the solid buildings of the world, while our sense of personal identity resides in the crack.”

doesn’t breaking a social taboo excite you?! or am i the only one? acknowledging that our society has certain rules and then relentlessly breaking them can be so intoxicating. it’s like your claiming your individuality through choosing to do something that mostly everyone you know would never decide to do. maybe rebelliousness is my nature. maybe i’m just a weirdo. maybe i just don’t give a fuck about what you think. i believe in hedonism… with a certain vague ethical compass. i think as long as your pleasure doesn’t conflict with anyone else’s pleasure, THEN GO FOR IT. without going into much detail, i’d like to say that breaking the frame can make one realize how stupid and ungrounded some social rules really are. like honestly–WHO GIVES A FUCK?!

life’s too fuckin’ short. like yeah, you have to have a job… pay bills… cook food for yourself AND THEN DO THE DISHES. so all that shitty stuff that you do to simply exist as a functioning member of society should really just motivate you to do the things you really wanna do for yourself, but that the rest of society may shun… go ahead and work your 9 to 5, but once you clock out and all the dishes are done… let your freak flag fly, baby! get that tramp stamp tattoo, or get that tongue-piercing, or date that guy everyone thinks is weird but you find irresistible. just fuckin’ do it. just give in to what you really want, give in to your animalistic instincts, give in to what you think will give you pleasure. because who the fuck is society to dictate what you should and should not do?! what you should and should not like? deep down everyone has some shit they’re embarrassed to talk about–why do you think the internet is such a creepy place? it’s because no one can connect their real life identity to their online persona. no one know’s that becky from college algebra is a dominatrix on the weekends and whips 40 year old men she finds on craigslist into shape when they can’t state the pythagorean theorem. and what’s more is that it’s no ones fucking business that becky likes to spank old, wrinkly asses. fuck it. not my ass, not my problem.

that being said… once that pleasure is obtained… you can take down your freak flag and go back to existing as a “normal”person…. that is, until you have the itch again.



went to a Halloween house party last night… hadn’t been to a house party (that wasn’t university related) in years, literally.

so much drama… between GUYS.

so much vodka last night… all i can think about right now is in n out and how much that would be make me feel better.

i’m happy my friend Arlene came out with us… she’s in a funk and i’m sure just going out and doing things with her best friends can help get her mind somewhere else…..

boys are weird.

title optional

 i just found out that my best friend’s mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. 

keep in mind that about 6 months ago, a childhood friend of mine’s mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. since then it has metastasized and her gross motor has deteriorated severely… she can no longer walk. 

i’m so sad. i don’t know how to feel. i feel sad, almost angry with confusion and despair. why does this happen? these are amazing women who are loved so dearly. they are two amazing women who are needed by their youngest daughters because thats all of their parents that they have

and then i feel remorseful for being sad… almost as if i’m being selfish with my feelings because i know my friends and their mothers need me right now to be strong and positive. 

i am thankful for my health, for the health of my parents, for the health of my friends, and for the love and support they have given me through everything. now it’s my turn to return everything that has been given to me. 

penny for your thoughts

listening to some cool music i downloaded last night… G-Eazy’s “Stay High”. He’s an underground rapper I really admire. My roommate my freshman year showed him to me and I fell in love! He’s a deep lyricist who exposes his struggles to beats that he makes in his own dorm room! I’m sure he’s moved out now and “Stay High” wasn’t made in a dorm room… still though, I love it none the less.

I’m supposed to be napping right now. I slept 4 hours last night. I woke up late for work! Eek! Honest mistakes can sometimes feel the crummiest in a way…. It’s kind of like being ignorant and not even knowing that you’re ignorant.

Anyways, i’m rambling. I’ve been doing a lot of reading lately!! Not in any way major-related… But i’ve been getting through some “classics”, as I believe Barnes and Noble refers to them lol. I finished Age of Innocence (by Edith Wharton)… and now I’m barrelling through Jane Eyre (by Charlotte Bronte). Age of Innocence was amazing because, though it was fictional, it was a personal account of the upper-crust society in New York during the late 19th century. The battle of Newland’s fondness of novelty and the traditions ingrained in him was, I found to be, extremely intoxicating to the anthropologist mind. Side note–just hear a male, adult neighbor clap and scream. There must be a sporting event on… Anyways, I’m only about 12 chapters into Jane Eyre and so far, I find it to be extremely relatable even though it was written nearly 200 years ago and is set in that time. Jane struggles to find balance between her right to be loved (along with her feelings of entitlement and moxie towards concerning that idea) and religious ideas of enduring what is naturally occurring.

Anyways, I’m rambling…. Onto the point of my blog:

How do you know that you can trust someone?

At what point does a relationship with someone cross the boundary into something beyond acquaintances? At what point do you realize that you can believe this other person is acting genuinely? Is there length of time you must know someone in order for this to happen? Do you have to experience a situation where trust is tested in order to realize that you trust someone? Are these qualifications universal to all serious human relationships?

When I meet new people, I see how they behave and the type of information that they tell me. I treat everyone differently because everyone is unique and I customize my judgement of them accordingly to those factors. If I feel like I can trust someone, I will start to open up, privately, and see how they react to what I’m telling them. If word spreads, I’ll know I can’t trust them. But if mums the word, then I’ve established the first layer of a trusting relationship. If they listen and ask about the topic the next time that I see them, I can tell that they genuinely care. I will trust someone until someone gives me a reason not to… and if need be, I will confront them. For all I know, they could be making an honest mistake and communicating how they hurt me would prevent problems in the future?

When I say relationships, i refer to friendships as well. Romantic relationships seem tough, but sometimes friendships can be tough too. I’ve been at a point in my life where I’ve weeded out the so-called “friends” from my true “friends” that I know that I can trust. Once I graduated high school, I’ve kept the bullshit in my life to a minimum. I know how i deserve to be treated and people’s negativity is contagious. I think you know when to not trust someone when you feel like you’re conforming, or bullied, or getting deliberately hurt by another person’s actions.

Food for thought.. What do you guys think? How do you know that you can trust someone?

Its been a while…

Who knew blogging could be so tiring?

Im currently at a trailhead, waiting for my best friend to arrive so we can start celebrating dusk…..

I went on a date last night. For the first time in a long time, i was actually nervous! It felt good, in a weird, unexpected sort of way. Went for dinner, then a comedy show, all accompanied by a couple of beers. A good time was had!

Dating is so weird! Everyones in a race to get paired up with someone, to leave their circle of friends and hunker down in a self-absorbed exclamation of success found within monogamy. Not sure that im there yet…. Not that im saying i wont ever be there, i just havent found the right person whos worth it enough to eliminate all other options..

Hm, its 5:30 and my friends still not here. Think ill give her a call…

Til next time!